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New year, new me – No.

It’s nearly the end of January 2021 and what a start to the year we have had.

Throughout January you will find yourself been asked or asking others, do you have any New Years resolutions?

To which you might make something up, you might have made some or if your like me you just say no not this year with an awkward laugh.

But, if last year taught us anything adaptability is key. I feel that almost everyone will find them self in a completely different position to this time last year. I had a relationship crumble, my work situation changed and I started a masters.

I feel lucky that I have almost found a large silver lining to the current pandemic and I know that other people have not been as fortunate and have found it quite difficult, which is okay, it’s better than okay it’s perfectly normal.

I look back now and feel happy with my journey but flashback to a few months ago and I was crying in my car to drum and base, wondering what on earth was going on with my life (we’ve all been there)

This is why I took an active decision to ban new year new me for now and forever. The complexity to which we now find ourselves needs us to be adaptable when we want to be adaptable!

Hit your version of rock bottom, in July whilst sipping a summer cocktail? Create a new you then! Find yourself relating far too much to the grinch in December? Create a new you then!

Cloud appreciation club

Have you ever taken the time to just look up?

We live in a world that is forever moving, forever changing and forever attaining a full undivided attention.

We often forget to stop. And none of this if your not moving forwards your moving backwards, if you keep moving forwards you’ll forget how to live

I’ve recently started my masters degree and one of my lectures said she joined the cloud appreciation club whether that was metaphorical or not I’m still to find out but the concept struck me, I can’t remember the last time I took a five minute break to look out the window in the Beautiful world we live in and to look up, to take five minutes and admire the clouds, focus on my breathing and reset.

It busy times we often forget the need to pause but that’s when we need it most! When we stop and breath we reset our brains and our bodies which can often offer the clarity that we need

I’m not saying around with your legs crossed and humming every five minutes but I’m saying how important it is to take time out each day just reset

You might find it makes a huge impact on your mind and your well-being

Go get ‘em!

Do you ever have them days where you just feel like you conquering the world? you feel like nothing can bring you down and you stand/ sit there thinking why don’t I feel like this every day? 

Well… 

I have recently, really got into self-development! Reading books, listening to audiobooks, podcasts, watching videos on how to utilise you, taking a variety of tests to learn more about myself, you name it! (for anyone interested I will list the resources I have found most useful at the end of this entry and would love recommendations for more)

Yesterday listening to an audiobook (Think grow rich) on my long commute home from work, when there was a section on how people create their own luck, their own fortunes in life through the things they put out (obviously it was explained better in the audiobook) but this related to loads of other books I had read about high frequencies and going after what you desire, much like many people, I had my reservations but I thought what do I have to lose? 

Which bring me to the point of this whole story. I arrived home and typed a text to a person who had jokingly said he would higher me for my organisation skills, we had often joked back and forth about the idea but to no conclusive outcome. But all I could think about what the lines I had heard in the audiobook, so I sent the text and stared at my phone as you do when you send a risky text. Long story short we met this morning and a deal was struck, I continued with my day on cloud 9 and more great things started to happen, I was saying yes to social events that I usually shrug off and I felt people were just generally nicer, more talkative. 

Until the penny dropped, maybe it’s me. 

Maybe this high frequency, high vibrations concept is not madness. If we put out positive energy, maybe we get it back? and if today is anything to go by I don’t think I ever want to lower my frequency again. 

obviously, this won’t work every day in the future, somedays I really don’t want to communicate with anyone other than my cat and a tub of ice cream covered in chocolate sauce. 

But for anyone having disbelief or doubt about a high-frequency way of life after reading self-development books, I, a previous doubter highly recommend it.

Affirmations – self induced pep talk

The concept affirmations is completely new to me. In a bit of self improvement this year I decided to read more books that can expand my knowledge on a variation of different topics.

The first topic I started with was self-help I feel like I needed to raise my self-awareness and we discover who I was so high and that’s on a journey and found some self help books.

A common trend within all these books, is that they all discussed importance of having affirmations and how these can help to raise your frequency and help you achieve the things you thought that were once impossible.

And yes we’ve all seen the affirmations on social media that if you repeat this every morning you will get ritual find the love of your life which we all find a little far-fetched because the last time I checked Jason Momoa was married with kids.

But on the other hand since I have started using affirmations it has offered me I blink of hope in times that seem quite dreary and uncertain.

I have started on my journey of these affirmations so watch the this space for updates.

Improving my relationship with me

One quote that lives in my head rent free is:

“The longest relationship you will have is with yourself”

A simple sentence that really awakened the way in which I view myself. I am someone who is really hard on themselves, I achieve a goal and I’ve already moved the goalpost of the next one.

I never give myself time to feel gratitude, happiness or a sense of achievement for the tasks and goals I have completed/ achieved.

During the first lockdown, I decided to make a change in my life, I started a master’s degree. One of the best decisions I have made! Not only to it help to fulfil a sense of yearning that I had towards agriculture, but there was a module on developing you.

During this module, I discovered more about who I was than I had in the 23 years I had been alive. Don’t get me wrong, I discovered a lot about myself that was hard to swallow but I was able to appreciate the good traits I have and how to improve traits I was not as strong in.

I will continue on some of my reflections but this was the start of my journey in being nicer to myself and falling back in love with me.

Arguing with my ego.

We all like to think that we are in control of our ego all the time. I know I definitely did.

But there are little times when we find out self consumed with a wealth of emotion and that’s when the ego takes control. Let me tell you my biggest example I’ve gone through (hopefully you can relate)

Seeing a guy for a little bit then out of the blue you get that line ‘ I’m sorry I just don’t think I can give you what you want’ immediately your heat sinks and you spiral into what, why and how? Then the second stage kicks in, your friends tell you, he doesn’t know what he’s lost, you were better than him anyway and the list goes on.

This however is the wrong way to look at it, yes it hurts like a b*tch. But you have to calm your ego and look at the other perspective:

• Yes, now you will undoubtedly go through a stage where you feel like your not good enough for anyone, you bring all your perceived flaws to the interrogation table for questioning and the ego is trying to fight through to tell you, your bad b*itch.

• Atleast he didn’t keep it going when he wasn’t happy. Now I know if someone said this to me they would probably get the best evil eyes they have ever seen, but in my case, I struggle to end things with people, I become really indecisive and if they didn’t end it we could just end up in an endless cycle of misery!

• Now you have options, you can choose to re-enact several scenes from Bridget jones (I have done this more times then I care to admit) or you can see it as a chance to move on, change direction, re-invented yourself.

What I’m trying to say very poorly is fighting with your ego isn’t a bad thing, you just have to make sure occasionally you win! Sometimes we need the ego to make us feel great about ourselves and sometimes we need it to step back so we can see the situation for what it is.

Pilot.

I have decided to start a small blog called a letter to myself. Where every day or every no again I will write a letter to future me because I have noticed that we live life in patterns or cycles. The most evident one for me is the text that says I can’t give you what you want. This text haunts my dreams, every time I feel like it is going well with someone I get the text, I just think I cant give you what you want/need. This is, of course, followed my, ego restoration by friends, a bunch of self-help books, crying in the car to not even sad music and the cycle starts again. 

Sometimes I feel like I have finally cracked the cycle I find respite in being alone, I can save, I can be whatever I want to be, do whatever I want to do and then I find myself just randomly trapped ina limbo of questioning why people think they can give me what I want. 

I feel like sometimes I need to write a letter of warning to however I’ve started speaking to, I am a workaholic, I am nerd, I love to talk about the environment, I text back super quick and most of my friends are male. At least then it gets all the points about me out there. 

Somedays I look at that list as negatives and other days I feel like someday I will meet someone who thinks those things are great. 

I have noticed my biggest downfall is that I become too attached and too dependant way to easy, and I can never understand why. I always thought I was independent yet I put up with shit out of fear on being alone. Then I look back and think I would never do that again, it’s way better to be alone yet I find myself in the same cycle again and again. I feel like a modern-day Bridget jones except I do not have two guys fighting over me and I do not have my own apartment.

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