I have decided to start a small blog called a letter to myself. Where every day or every no again I will write a letter to future me because I have noticed that we live life in patterns or cycles. The most evident one for me is the text that says I can’t give you what you want. This text haunts my dreams, every time I feel like it is going well with someone I get the text, I just think I cant give you what you want/need. This is, of course, followed my, ego restoration by friends, a bunch of self-help books, crying in the car to not even sad music and the cycle starts again.
Sometimes I feel like I have finally cracked the cycle I find respite in being alone, I can save, I can be whatever I want to be, do whatever I want to do and then I find myself just randomly trapped ina limbo of questioning why people think they can give me what I want.
I feel like sometimes I need to write a letter of warning to however I’ve started speaking to, I am a workaholic, I am nerd, I love to talk about the environment, I text back super quick and most of my friends are male. At least then it gets all the points about me out there.
Somedays I look at that list as negatives and other days I feel like someday I will meet someone who thinks those things are great.
I have noticed my biggest downfall is that I become too attached and too dependant way to easy, and I can never understand why. I always thought I was independent yet I put up with shit out of fear on being alone. Then I look back and think I would never do that again, it’s way better to be alone yet I find myself in the same cycle again and again. I feel like a modern-day Bridget jones except I do not have two guys fighting over me and I do not have my own apartment.